Therapy is not about fixing your child—it’s about understanding them. Many parents begin the journey hoping for change in their child’s behavior, but therapy offers something deeper: a chance to strengthen connection, improve communication, and support emotional growth for both child and parent.
But what does it really mean to “fix” your child? This phrase can be unintentionally isolating. It subtly implies that something is wrong with the child, framing them as the problem to be solved. While this may not be the intended message, it is often how children internalize it, especially when therapy is sought on their behalf. They may feel as if they are being fixed in a therapeutic vacuum, expecting to return to their daily lives and function normally without addressing the deeper, more systemic influences at play.
The reality is that therapy is not about fixing your child; it is about understanding them. And, often, understanding your child requires understanding yourself first. I encourage you to take a moment to reflect.
The Parent-Child Dynamic: The Role of Influence
Children, particularly in their early developmental stages, are highly impressionable. They observe everything around them, especially their primary caregivers. How parents handle conflict, process emotions, and manage stress forms the foundation of the emotional toolkit children will carry into adulthood. Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, children tend to replicate the emotional patterns modeled by the adults in their lives. So, consider this: What behaviors are your children observing in you?
Research substantiates this connection. Studies consistently highlight that children’s emotional regulation is significantly shaped by their parents’ own emotional responses. For example, a study published in Child Development indicates that when parents demonstrate emotional regulation, children are more likely to develop similar coping strategies (Gross & Thompson, 2006).
Additionally, research from the Journal of Anxiety Disorders (Hudson & Rapee, 2021) shows that children of anxious parents are more likely to develop anxiety themselves, as both genetic and environmental factors contribute to the transmission of anxious behaviors.
A Fundamental Truth: Therapy is Not a One-Way Street
When you bring your child into therapy, it is important to understand that therapeutic progress often requires work on your part as well.
Your emotional responses, coping mechanisms, and patterns of communication play a pivotal role in your child’s emotional development. If a parent is struggling with emotional regulation, children are more likely to adopt maladaptive coping strategies. According to research published in Emotion Review (Nixon & Vella, 2015), children who witness dysregulated emotions from their caregivers are more likely to either mirror those behaviors or, alternatively, avoid emotional expression altogether.
Therapy works most effectively when there is a collaborative effort, not just from the child, but from the family system as a whole. A study published in Psychotherapy Research (Patterson & Chamberlain, 2017) found that therapy outcomes are significantly improved when parents are actively engaged in the therapeutic process. Parents are not passive observers; they are essential participants in the healing journey.
The Interconnection: Parent and Child Work Together
When parents commit to their own emotional growth, children are more likely to benefit from enhanced emotional regulation. This is not about blame; it is about understanding that the emotional health of both parent and child is deeply interconnected. Parents set the tone for emotional resilience, communication, and self-regulation within the family. The more you work on your own emotional well-being, the better equipped your child will be to manage their own emotions.
This is especially important in the context of attachment theory, which posits that insecure attachments formed due to emotional dysregulation can make children more vulnerable to emotional difficulties later in life. A study published in Developmental Psychology (Sroufe & Waters, 2018) found that children who experience emotional inconsistency from their caregivers often struggle with emotional regulation themselves.
Practical Strategies for Parents: Small Changes, Big Impact
The idea of embarking on emotional self-work can seem overwhelming, especially when you are already managing the complexities of parenting. However, there are concrete steps you can take to begin this process:
Model Emotional Regulation: In moments of stress or frustration, demonstrate healthy emotional coping mechanisms. Take a deep breath, pause, or articulate how you are managing your emotions. This not only models self-regulation but also normalizes emotional challenges for your child.
Normalize Emotional Expression: Engage in open, honest conversations with your child about feelings. Reinforce that all emotions — both positive and negative — are natural and manageable. For example, saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, but I’m going to take a moment to calm down” helps children understand how to cope with difficult emotions.
Seek Support: Just as your child benefits from therapy, parents too can gain from therapeutic or support group experiences. Engaging in your own emotional growth equips you to be a stronger, more supportive parent.
Perfection is not the goal. You are not expected to have all the answers. What matters most is your willingness to engage in the process of emotional growth, for yourself and your child.
A Journey, Not a Destination
Parenting is not about achieving perfection, but rather about growth — for both you and your child. The most powerful thing you can do is engage in your own emotional work while guiding your child through theirs. Modeling resilience, vulnerability, and emotional intelligence creates an environment where both parent and child can thrive.
Final Thought
In closing, therapy is not simply about “fixing” a child; it is about nurturing an environment where emotional health is fostered on all levels. When both parent and child work together, healing is most effective. By examining your own emotional patterns and engaging in the therapeutic process, you can significantly enhance your child’s emotional well-being and create a foundation for lifelong growth.
Resources for Parents:
- The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – A comprehensive guide to understanding how your child’s brain works and fostering emotional resilience.
- Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel – Focuses on the importance of emotional intelligence for both parents and children.
- The Anxious Child: Helping Your Child Manage Anxiety by Dr. Tamar Chansky – An insightful resource for managing childhood anxiety and providing effective parental support.
Remember, true healing begins with connection, not correction. At Jasper Psychotherapy & Counseling Co., we’re here to walk alongside you as you and your child grow together. Because in the end, therapy is not about fixing your child—it’s about building understanding, trust, and lasting emotional resilience.