By Sydney Jasper, LCMHC, CYMHS
Have you ever found yourself at a loss when your child lashes out, melts down, or simply refuses to listen? In those moments, it’s easy to feel frustrated or even alarmed, wondering, “Why are they being so difficult?” But what if those challenging behaviors aren’t about defiance at all—but about distress?
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this child?” try asking, “What need is going unmet?”
Behavior Is Communication, Not Defiance
It’s a common misconception that children misbehave just to make life harder for adults. In reality, children act out because they lack the words, skills, or self-regulation to express what they’re feeling. What we often label as “bad behavior”—tantrums, aggression, defiance—is often a signal: “I’m overwhelmed.” “I need connection.” “I don’t feel safe.”
Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Beyond Behaviors, describes challenging behaviors as “the tip of the iceberg.” Beneath the surface, you’ll often find stress, fear, sensory overload, or emotional dysregulation—especially in children with a history of trauma, neurodivergence, or attachment wounds. Recent research continues to affirm that secure attachment in early childhood predicts healthier emotional functioning and adaptability later on, while insecure attachment is linked to more persistent behavioral and emotional challenges .
Attachment Shapes Behavior
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, teaches us that a child’s early relationships form the blueprint for how they see themselves and the world. Secure attachment builds emotional safety, while inconsistent or neglectful care can lead to anxiety, avoidance, or dysregulation.
When a child feels unseen or disconnected, their behavior becomes a cry for reconnection. They may act “out of control” because they don’t know how to feel in control—or don’t trust that their needs will be met safely. As Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson write in The Whole-Brain Child:
“When children feel safe, they behave well. When they feel disconnected or threatened, they behave defensively.”
Recent studies show that children can also form secure attachments with non-parental caregivers, such as teachers or daycare providers, and that these relationships play a significant role in emotional and behavioral adjustment .
Reframing the Question: What Does This Behavior Mean?
Instead of asking, “Why is my child doing this?” try: “What are they trying to tell me?”
This shift moves us from blame to understanding. Children aren’t trying to be bad—they’re doing their best with what they know and feel. Behavior becomes a form of communication, not a moral failure. As Dr. Ross Greene says in The Explosive Child:
“Kids do well if they can.”
If they can’t, it’s not about willfulness—it’s about lacking the skills or support to manage the moment.
5 Ways to Respond with Connection Instead of Correction
1. Get Curious, Not Furious
Pause before reacting. Ask yourself: Is my child hungry, tired, overstimulated, or feeling disconnected? Is this behavior a stress response?
2. Connect Before You Correct
Regulation comes through relationship. Make eye contact, lower your voice, and offer physical comfort if welcomed. Build safety first—the brain can’t learn while in a threat state.
3. Co-Regulate First
Young children (and even teens) need help calming down before they can “talk it out.” Model calm breathing, sit quietly, or simply offer your presence.
4. Validate the Emotion, Guide the Action
Try: “You’re feeling angry—that’s okay. It’s not okay to hit. Let’s find another way to show how you feel.”
5. Teach, Don’t Punish
Once calm, help your child reflect on the moment. Teach them alternative ways to express their needs, and reinforce that mistakes are part of learning.
These strategies are supported by a growing body of research showing that attachment-focused parenting interventions—such as Circle of Security, Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-Up, and Video Feedback Intervention—are effective in improving both attachment security and reducing behavioral challenges.
Practical Tips for Everyday Parenting
Respond with sensitivity: Notice and respond to your child’s cues, especially during distress.
Emotion coaching: Help your child name and understand their feelings.
Set clear, consistent limits: Boundaries delivered with empathy help children feel safe.
Repair after conflict: Reconnect and reassure your child after disagreements.
Model self-regulation: Show your child how you manage your own emotions.
Attachment-based approaches emphasize connection, empathy, and understanding as the foundation for discipline and guidance. By focusing on the relationship, you help your child develop the skills they need to manage their emotions and behaviors over time .
Final Thoughts: Kids Need to Be Felt, Not Fixed
Behavior is the language of unmet needs. Children, like all of us, want to feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Reframing behavior through the lens of attachment empowers us to parent with compassion and connection—not control.
So the next time your child “acts out,” try asking: “What do they need right now that they don’t know how to ask for?” The answer might surprise you—and heal both of you.
If you’re looking for support in understanding your child’s behavior or strengthening your relationship, Jasper Psychotherapy is here to help. Reach out to schedule a consultation and start your journey toward connection and healing.